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Got an invite that I won't be needing! Post your member# and tell me a joke. Aug 1, 2014

  1. biohack
    Gingerbread Aug 1, 2014

    biohack , Aug 1, 2014 :
    It's a play on Korean words.
     
    #341

  2. sambbme
    Honeycomb Aug 1, 2014

    #342

  3. addtemp
    Ice Cream Sandwich Aug 1, 2014

    #343

  4. Heroicage
    Donut Aug 1, 2014

    #344

  5. Vickyvarona
    Cupcake Aug 1, 2014

    Vickyvarona , Aug 1, 2014 :
    I don't know how to get my #...
    But here is my joke:
    A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''
     
    #345

  6. sambbme
    Honeycomb Aug 1, 2014

    sambbme , Aug 1, 2014 :
    Ooooh I just thought of another joke

    A bear is chasing a rabbit through the forest

    The rabbit runs through a bush, and rubs on a bottle on the way

    A genie comes out of the bottle and says "I will grant you both three wishes"

    So the bear wishes that all of the female bears in the forest like him, and the rabbit wishes for a motorcycle

    The bear than says "Screw it" and wished for all of the female bears in the country to like him, while the rabbit wishes for a motercycle helmet

    The bear, on his final though, wished for all of the femals bears in the world would like him

    The genie than asks what the rabbits last wish will be

    The rabbit points at the bear and says "Make him gay"
     
    #346

  7. teabug
    Cupcake Aug 1, 2014

    teabug , Aug 1, 2014 :
    A blond gets a new cell phone from her husband.

    The next day she goes to Wal-mart and her phone rings, so she answers it.

    It was her husband. He says, "How's the new cell phone?"

    She replied, "Great...but how did you know I was at Wal-mart?"
     
    #347

  8. BrownManPlusOne
    Donut Aug 1, 2014

    BrownManPlusOne , Aug 1, 2014 :
    Just realized somebody just used my last one. Damnit, ok here is an original from my standup routine the Rant (needs work, sorry :( ):

    What is the problem with western foreign policy?
    Well here's the problem: target acquired should mean TARGET ACQUIRED. What you guys is doing is this: target acquired, ok now just blow up the target, now makes sure everything inside the target is blown, now everything AROUND the target. These are densely populated areas, maybe you should reevaluate what your dropping missiles on. "Ooops I missed"... Because that won't piss off anyone at all?!
    --
    Here's the problem I have with public bus rides. If you take an hour plus bus ride, like lets say from Waterloo to Toronto (I'm Canadian) and the bus is filling up, there is a good chance you'll ruin someone's day. Because lets face it, no one ever likes sitting beside a random person they don't know for an extended period of time. Psychologist have proven it.

    As soon as you take a seat beside that unlucky someone, it's like you've ruined their day. Like I was on a bus from Laurier to Mississauga, and I do this thing, I sit beside the most attractive girl on the bus to start a conversation. There I will be walking up, working up my confidence, turn toward her, open my mouth to ask her those few simple words, CHOKE, turn to the nearest fellow brown man I see and jump in the seat with him.

    (in accent): "Hey buddy... I see what happened there. It's okay."

    --

    These are the most appropriate jokes from the rant. I'm still working on it haha let me know what you think!
     
    #348

  9. And1-2k20
    Ice Cream Sandwich Aug 1, 2014

    And1-2k20 , Aug 1, 2014 :
    A woman is packing up and about to leaver her husband. When he asks her where she plans on going she says, "I'm going to Las Vegas, I can get $100 a ******* there."

    He laughs and replies, "Good luck living on $300 a year."
     
    #349

  10. hanszmann
    Gingerbread Aug 1, 2014

    #350

  11. Gigabyte1024
    Honeycomb Aug 1, 2014

    Gigabyte1024 , Aug 1, 2014 :
    I really want an invite so here it goes...

    Three drunks hailed a taxi. The taxi driver seeing that they were so wasted when they got in, just switched on the engine and switched it off, and said we are here.

    The 1st guy gave him money, 2nd guy said thanks, but the 3rd guy slapped him.

    The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them would have realized the car didn't move an inch. So what was that for, he asked.

    Control your speed next time, you almost killed us.

    Tried to find my member number, but wasn't successful. Will keep trying and post a few more jokes :)
     
    #351

  12. tg8324
    Cupcake Aug 1, 2014

    tg8324 , Aug 1, 2014 :
    66962
    Q: Why was Helen Keller such a bad driver?
    A: Because she was a woman!
     
    #352

  13. Gigabyte1024
    Honeycomb Aug 1, 2014

    Gigabyte1024 , Aug 1, 2014 :
    Here's another one... BTW I think my member # is 162683

    A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer,

    "Is there a problem, Officer?"

    "No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award.
    Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

    The driver thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." The lady sitting in the
    passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smart butt when he's drunk and
    stoned." The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"

    At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
     
    #353

  14. BrownManPlusOne
    Donut Aug 1, 2014

    BrownManPlusOne , Aug 1, 2014 :
    Also from The Rant:

    Dearest Iggy Aglazea: you ain't fancy, b*tch you ratchet
    Dearest Drake, started from the bottom now we're here... more like started from degrassi in a chair.
     
    #354

  15. Heroicage
    Donut Aug 1, 2014

    Heroicage , Aug 1, 2014 :
    I also remember one from a few years back, kind of childish but i still thought it was funny

    3 men are in the desert without water; they come upon a magic slide which when slid down on would land you into pool of whatever liquid you yelled.

    The first man screamed "WATERRRRRR!"

    The second man screamed "SPRITEEEE!"

    The last man screamed "WEEEEEEEEEEEE!" ....
     
    #355

  16. dharnendra
    Gingerbread Aug 1, 2014

    #356

  17. teabug
    Cupcake Aug 1, 2014

    #357

  18. garrickchan
    Ice Cream Sandwich Aug 1, 2014

    garrickchan , Aug 1, 2014 :
    I know 10 facts about you:

    Fact 1: You are reading this.
    Fact 2: You can't say the letter 'm' without touching your lips.
    Fact 3: You just tried it.
    Fact 4: You're smiling.
    Fact 6: You're smiling or laughing again.
    Fact 7: You didn't notice I missed fact 5.
    Fact 8: You just checked it.
    Fact 9: You're smiling again.
    Fact 10: You like this and you're ready to hand me the invite?
     
    #358
    asylumni and Shaker2k like this.

  19. garrickchan
    Ice Cream Sandwich Aug 1, 2014

    garrickchan , Aug 1, 2014 :
    A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband types "mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because the screen says, "Error. Not long enough."
     
    #359

  20. garrickchan
    Ice Cream Sandwich Aug 1, 2014

    garrickchan , Aug 1, 2014 :
    A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
    Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
    Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
    Hand Job: $10.00
    He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.
    "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.
    "Yes," she purrs. "I am."
    "Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"
     
    #360
    asylumni likes this.

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