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The Country Estate.

  1. smanrocks Gingerbread Sep 7, 2015

  2. feluda Lollipop Sep 7, 2015

    feluda, Sep 7, 2015 :
    For providing special services to the community most of which are classified but without which the course of history and mankind would have been different.
     

  3. Linanc7 Lollipop Sep 7, 2015

    Linanc7, Sep 7, 2015 :
    Hmmm by this I believe you mean you changed the festive Christmas holiday for all mankind


    upload_2015-9-7_14-14-10.jpeg
     

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  4. feluda Lollipop Sep 7, 2015

    feluda, Sep 7, 2015 :
    I can neither confirm or deny that. But can give a hint as to one of the projects where in restaurants when you order meat you don't always get it from the animal you requested it from. That's all I'll say about that.
     

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  5. Linanc7 Lollipop Sep 7, 2015

    Linanc7, Sep 7, 2015 :

    upload_2015-9-7_14-20-49.jpeg

     

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  6. Dotty1888 Gingerbread Sep 7, 2015

    Dotty1888, Sep 7, 2015 :
    Bravo good sir Bravo!!
     

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  7. The Earl of Twatshire KitKat Sep 8, 2015

    The Earl of Twatshire, Sep 8, 2015 :
    My dear lady, I am glad that you escaped the terror of those gerbils. I am at this very moment dispatching my imaginary butler to try to enter negotiations with the little fiends. When I say negotiations I mean to they will be informed to change their ways or leave me house.

    I am glad that you made it into The Room of Wonders. There are some truly wonderful things in there. I am especially proud of my perpetual motion machine. Nothing pleases me more than a machine who's mere existence is a middle finger to the laws of physics.

    I am glad that you found the bar that @feluda provided. I must say I am shocked that it still has some alcohol left in there. I thought I had drained that dry many moons ago.

    I will send some more vodka as requested. Please look for my imaginary butler, laden with alcohol.

    I do hope you enjoy The Room of Wonders, there are some amazing things in there. However I must warn you. There are two doors leading from that room. One is to The Dining Room, the other is to The Room of Unmentionable Terror.

    I would suggest when exiting you choose the door with the smell of fine cooked food. Not the door that screams in anguish when you approach it.

    Indeed.
     

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  8. The Earl of Twatshire KitKat Sep 8, 2015

    The Earl of Twatshire, Sep 8, 2015 :
    I hung tight once, it was the most traumatic experience of my life. I really read the instruction manual wrong.

    I bear the scars and the stretchmarks to this day.

    Indeed.
     

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  9. The Earl of Twatshire KitKat Sep 8, 2015

    The Earl of Twatshire, Sep 8, 2015 :
    Why thank you my good man, I'm glad that you found my gibberish entertaining.

    I appreciate your kind words.

    Indeed.
     

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  10. The Earl of Twatshire KitKat Sep 8, 2015

    The Earl of Twatshire, Sep 8, 2015 :
    That is most true, I remember the heroic actions of @feluda well.

    It was a time that I will never forget, but also never discuss.

    Indeed.
     

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  11. Dotty1888 Gingerbread Sep 8, 2015

    Dotty1888, Sep 8, 2015 :
    Not at all sir, thank you!

    May I be so bold as to ask you to recount another of your fine memoir's?
     

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  12. The Earl of Twatshire KitKat Sep 9, 2015

    The Earl of Twatshire, Sep 9, 2015 :
    You certainly may, please see below.

    Indeed.
     

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  13. The Earl of Twatshire KitKat Sep 9, 2015

    The Earl of Twatshire, Sep 9, 2015 :
    The sun shone through my window and I was awake.

    I had a rough night of sleep where I was awake most of it. When I was asleep I was dreaming of being eaten by a thousand angry children. The Cure for this was alcohol.

    I had a terrible evening last night which I should really try to forget about, but me being the caring sharing type I will elaborate upon if you the dear reader would indulge me with some of your precious time.

    The problem started with alcohol, or in my case a severe lack of it. I had been in London at some dreadful society wedding. I had no idea who the bride and groom were, but whenever I receive a wedding invitation I always attend the wedding. However on this occasion I was in serious error.

    The wedding was some form of bohemian wedding, where one of the rules was, no alcohol.

    It took fifteen of the wedding guests to stop me from screaming in terror. I had no choice, I had to leave. I ran in abject horror at the concept of no alcohol to my motor car and insisted that my imaginary butler drive me home.

    Once the motor car was underway I ran to my bar for a pint of Tia Maria to calm my nerves. It was at this point disaster struck. Obviously while I had been parked in London, some thugs had stolen all of my alcohol, the bar was empty.

    I shrieked in terror and ran from room to room in my motor car, desperately looking for alcohol. The thugs had been very thorough and not left a drop. I informed my imaginary butler that we needed to stop at a local shop to purchase alcohol. He looked at me in fear and told me that the thugs had also stolen all of the money.

    Terror gripped me as I felt the cold deathly clutches of sobriety entering my mind. I slapped him harshly and informed him that we needed to get home to Twatshire as soon as possible.

    I retired to the hot tub in an attempt to calm my ravaged nerves.

    I sat in the hot bubbles as I felt the cold harsh reality of the world seeping back into my diseased mind. The room began to change and I found myself strapped into the front seat of a motor car, but this was not my motor car.

    I looked around frantically, damn sobriety was playing tricks on me. To my left was a rather stunning woman, she had long black hair which was styled into a boufant. She had an adorable bow in her hair which was black leather and covered in spiked studs.

    Well dear reader, my passions were ignited and this whole situation was not seeming so bad.

    "Why hello my dear, may I say you look ravishing, allow me to introduce myself" I began.

    "Introduce yourself? I know who you are, unless you are no longer the man I married" she replied, she gave me a sweet smile which melted my very soul dear reader. Then the word hit me, her sweet smile, beautiful face and charming voice were smashed away by the word "married"

    My lord, had I been abducted and forced to marry this gorgeous creature? I thought for a moment that this may not have been the worst fate imaginable for a man. But married, again, for the eight time. I was concerned as I was in this alien environment.

    "My dear, where is the bar on this wonderfully compact motor car" I asked.

    "Oh no, no drinking for you, you can have a drink when we arrive at my mother's house. You can't drink before then, you know how you get," she said, smiling at me. She looked at me and smiled again, averting her attention for a second from the road as she drove. Her smile was wonderful and made my heart skip a beat.

    Then it hit me again, no alcohol and I'm going to see her mother... The Mother in Law. By the scales of The Great Space Lizard I have to stop this.

    "I'm not ready my dear to meet your mother, I've only just met you, this is all so sudden!" I protested.

    "What are you talking about, we've been married for eight years! You have met my mother many times and get on with her well." She said looking at me from the corner of her marvelous eye.

    "But, I only just woke here, I found out I'm married to you and that we are visiting your mother, this is a lot to take on board my dear, its all very sudden" I complained.

    "Oh no, you are not getting out of this that easily. And stop talking in that stupid voice, you sound like a comedy version of an English Gentleman, talk properly!" she said firmly.

    I was surprised by her candor. I was wondering what she meant by my voice being stupid, dear reader, allow me to inform you that at this point I was rather insulted. I looked around the motor car, it was one of those infernally small cars that most people drive. No bar, no spa, no observation lounge I felt claustrophobic.

    I clutched at my chest and gasped for air. She looked at me again and then returned her attention to the road. "Oh no, not the old heart attack routine either, I fell for that once, never again, we are going to see my mother so you might as well get used to the idea!" she stated, firmly.

    I nodded, upset that my ruse had failed. I began to search around the motor car for something, a weapon or any form of alcohol. If this was sobriety it meant I had been living a drunken lie for years and this was the reality. Or was this the vile sober dream of a man missing the comfort of his country estate?

    I opened the glove box and found a wallet. I opened it to see a photograph of this lovely creature, in an embrace with another man. A over weight gentleman with brown hair and a odd white long goatee.

    "Harlot!" I shrieked. "I find here the evidence that you are cheating on me with this fellow. I demand a divorce and that you turn this motorcar around this instant!" I bellowed.

    The attractive woman looked at me again and sighed. She reached over and lowered the sun blind in front of me, it had a mirror on the back of it. I looked into it.

    Who was this stranger in front of me? That wasn't my face, I was the gentleman in the picture and I shrieked in terror. Some evil fiend had swapped my mind with this fellow's. The whole plan became apparent, while I was trapped in this body with this attractive woman, this man was in my body causing unknown havoc in my beloved Twatshire.

    I held my head in my hands and began to weep. I am not proud of this dear reader but it was all too much for me. The lovely woman stroked the back of my head as she drove.

    "Must we have this every time we go to see mu Mum?" she asked.

    "Indeed we do young lady!" I shrieked. I used the device to open the window of the motorcar and began screaming for help out of it. "Help me, I've been brain swapped and am being sent to my mother in law's against my will!" I cried to passing cars.

    The window automatically closed and the young woman looked angry.

    "Firstly you are running the risk of messing up my hair!" she began. "Secondly, we are going to see my Mum and there is nothing you can do about it."

    I looked down and began to fear for my safety again. I looked into the glove compartment and found my salvation, a hip flask.

    "Oh no, I thought I had found it all" said the attractive woman as I opened it and downed the contents. It was a musty old rum, but it did the trick.

    "Victory!" I cried at her as I felt the control of my mental powers return to me. She looked at me with a hint of frustration, yet love in her eyes.

    I was about to speak, but the scene began to change again, the small motor car melted away and I felt the warm bubbles of my hot tub. I looked up to she her beautiful face melt away into that of my imaginary butler. He had obviously found some rum and was pouring it down my throat.

    I gulped at the wonderful healing liquid and drained the entire bottle at once. I thanked him and he left to continue our journey home.

    I sat in the hot tub and thought about my experience, it was horrifying, except for the divine creature I was supposedly married to. I must say reader if that man had swapped my brain out with his, he is a very lucky man to be married to such a wonderful creature.

    I was saddened by this, which lead to my night of nightmares and sleeplessness.

    Indeed.
     

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  14. Kyle.Griffiths Honeycomb Sep 12, 2015


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  15. The Earl of Twatshire KitKat Sep 16, 2015

    The Earl of Twatshire, Sep 16, 2015 :
    Why thank you for your kind words, they are very much appreciated.

    Indeed.
     

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  16. The Earl of Twatshire KitKat Sep 17, 2015

    The Earl of Twatshire, Sep 17, 2015 :
    The rain was pummeling down on the scene harshly. Water was dripping down my face and clothes as I stood staring at my adversary.

    Two figures against the night on the roof of my country estate, locked in a fencing match to the death. How did I get into this situation? Well dear reader if you would do me the honour of your attention, I shall elaborate.

    The early hours of the morning had been spent in the most delightful way, I was at a local nightclub in Twatshire. The Pink Oboe is a famous nightclub where the young folk of Twatshire go on a weekend to unwind and engage in procreation.

    I was there among the throng of young people. I must admit I did look a little odd as I stood there in my full tweed regalia compared to all of the under dressed twenty somethings. But I was determined to have a good time, you see dear reader, I had consumed the exact amount of alcohol that is needed to think that a man of my age can fit into a scene like that.

    I was standing in the middle of the dance floor while this odd music boomed out of the speakers. I was however doing rather well for myself, I had managed to find myself surrounded by three lovely young ladies who were gyrating their bodies against me in the most lewd of dance styles.

    Life was good, I was filled with alcohol and surrounded by three lovely Twatshire women. Even my imaginary butler was getting in on the action. I noticed from the corner of my eye that he was enjoying the company of a young lady. They were in fact engaged in what could only be described as tongue wrestling.

    Well, the night carried on and I was buying these young women drinks and filling my own glass with the finest quality of alcohol. Needless to say my memory of this night began to fade somewhat and all I can remember is waking up in the morning in my bed chamber with two of the young ladies next to me in bed.

    Now I'm not one to brag about my sexual conquests, but in this case, IN YOUR FACE READERS!

    ahem, sorry.

    So I decided that I should arrange some breakfast for these lovely ladies. I reached over and pulled on my cord to summon my imaginary butler.

    I waited.

    I waited a while six seconds and he did not appear.

    I waited.

    Ten seconds! This is an outrage. I slipped out of bed, regretting that I had to leave this wonderful scene. But I decided that my imaginary butler was not performing to the best of his abilities and a good thrashing was in order.

    I put on a smoking jacket and left my bed chamber and stomped to his sleeping quarters. Inside I was shocked and appalled at what I saw. There he was entwined with the woman that I saw him with last night. Both of them quite naked.

    I was outraged, I pulled the covers off them both and began striking him violently around the head. How dare he not perform his duties upon my command! I was informing him of this when I felt a sudden blow from behind.

    I woke up to find myself tied against a tree in my garden. I looked to my left to see my imaginary butler was in the same situation. Before us were the three women from last night, all laughing.

    "Seems our plan worked Earl. We now have you at our mercy and we can do anything we want!" The sneered at me.

    "Why my dears, you did not have to render me unconcious to have had that happen" I replied with a salacious wink.

    "No Earl, we are an all girl team of highly trained jewel thieves and we have come to rob you!" one of them announced.

    "Well that was certainly a long way to go for a robbery" I told them.

    "Shut it Fatso, we will have to shower for days to get the stench of you off us!" Another one of the trio said. I wanted to insult them back, but then I realized that I did not know any of their names.

    A sad but poetic statement about modern day sexuality I thought.

    "I see" I replied. I was bound fast to the tree and had very little chance of escaping.

    "Now we are going to ransack your country estate and take everything you have" they said. The then turned away, laughing and ran towards my house. I turned around to my imaginary butler and said the only thing I could at this point.

    "This is all your fault" I said.

    But he shook his head and reached behind himself. He looked like his had was going into his trousers. His face turned read and he began grunting as he seemed to be fumbling with his hind quarters. After a few moments he produced a Swiss army knife, he opened the blade and began sawing at his ropes.

    Good lord he was free, he then cut me loose from the tree. He offered me the knife, but I refused it.

    I motioned for him to follow me as we ran to the house. We entered through the west wing entrance and I made straight for the armoury. I obtained a shotgun, ammunition and my trusty sword cane. I love that sword cane, I was given it in 1782 byt the King himself as a token of thanks for me doing something I can't remember now, all I can remember is that he gave me a sweet sword cane.

    We started to search the house. We found the first thieving harlot in my ballroom, she was trying to pry the jewels from my collection of pimp cups. I was not impressed.

    She was less impressed as she felt the loving caress of the buckshot into her hind quarters. She fell to the floor and I moved on to find the next woman.

    The second fiendish felonious female was found in my trophy room. I was enraged, she was there in some form of victory dance, holding aloft my solid gold beard growing trophy. My lovely trophy, given to me, by me for growing my splendid beard, was held aloft as she danced.

    She was even singing. "We are going to be rich, rich, rich rich!" over again.

    I cleared my throat and she stopped dancing instantly before turning around quickly with a large knife in her hand.

    "I'll gut you" she bellowed, before charging at me.

    I imagined I looked a little sad as I pulled the trigger, discharging my second barrel of buckshot. The poor girl instantly succumbed to the blast, such a pity. She looked sad too, but I suspect for different reasons.

    We could not find the third woman, we searched high and low, but we could not find her anywhere. I was about to give up all hopes of catching her until I heard the helicopter. I ran to the roof of my country estae to find her standing there, with a rapier in her hand. My rapier!

    "That rapier belongs to me!" I shrieked at her, but she smiled and pointed the wicket tip at me. I looked down to see bags of my belongings behind her, obviously awaiting pick up from this evil woman.

    I realised that I had not reloaded my shotgun, so I had to resort to my trusty sword cane. I unsheathed the blade and pointed it at her.

    "You fool" she screamed "I'm an olympic fencing champion!"

    Drat, I had only taken a few fencing lessons, until the advances of Mr Cartright the fencing instructor had become a little uncomfortable.

    As usual the rain was torrential as we stood there in a stand off, she was confident in her abilities while I was merely bluffing. I had to think fast, which dear reader as you know is not one of my strengths.

    I was trying to contemplate a plan when she attacked, she was incredibly skilled and I knew I was outmatched instantly. I managed by pure luck alone not to be cut to ribbons in her first salvo of thrusts.

    "You are highly skilled Earl" she said. She was impressed, while I was bewildered and amazed I had survived.

    "Why thank you, I suppose I should at least put a little effort into my next attack" I said, again bluffing.

    "Yes you should" she stated as she again charged. Again my luck held, I managed to survive another onslaught of cuts and thrusts. I have no idea how I managed this, but luck was on my side and I was not going to question it.

    "You are a far better swordsman than I" she said, but in an odd gesture raised her rapier to the sky. I was about to speak, but a flash of lightening beat me to it, a storm had broken out above us and she had just unfortunately just been struck by lightening.

    The lightening bolt had struck the upturned rapier and used it and her as a lightening rod. The poor thing was roasted like a beef joint. The smell of roasted meat filled the air and she dropped to the floor quite dead.

    The helicopter that was circling above head left and I knew I had won. My imaginary butler congratulated me. I thanked him, but it hit me that I had not had a drink or something to eat in at least an hour so I was famished.

    I looked at the poor girls remains, all cooked and roasted and informed my imaginary butler that I shall take my meal in the dining room. Let me tell you dear reader, she was as tasty as she was attractive.

    However, this whole ordeal had left me with several burning questions.

    How did my imaginary butler get that large officer Swiss army knife up his rectum?

    How long had it been there?

    Does he always store one up there?

    These will need answering

    Indeed.
     

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  17. The Earl of Twatshire KitKat Sep 22, 2015

    The Earl of Twatshire, Sep 22, 2015 :
    "It can't be" I protested to the man in the dark black robe.

    "It is Earl" he answered in a voice that was so solemn and deep that it chilled me to the core of my being.

    "But I'm so young!" I protested.

    "No you are not, you are over six hundred years old!" the replied. I looked to the floor, I knew he was right, I had found the fountain of youth many years ago but I always thought that ever lasting life would protect me from matters such as this.

    "But I'm not ready" I protested again.

    "No one ever is" he replied. With that he outstretched his hand. "Are you ready?" he asked.

    I wasn't, nor would I honestly ever be, so I had to think hard and fast of how to get myself of of the excrement.

    "Hang on!" I hear you cry dear reader.

    "This makes no sense, you've just started this story half way through, what's going on?" I hear you question.

    "I was at The Beards concert last night in Nottingham, it was amazing, but I thought I saw you on the front row Earl?" I don't hear you ask, but if by some odd miracle of statistical nature you were at the Rescue Rooms in Nottingham to see the beards, I was indeed at the front of the crowd, rocking with my beard out. But I digress.

    Ok, I accept your point and I shall elaborate on my tale.

    I was enjoying the company of a young lady I had met while at the said concert last night. She was a wonderful young thing, black raven hair, beautiful green eyes and a great big bushy beard. We were instantly drawn together and we enjoyed the evening dancing to the wonderful band.

    We decided that after the show we should go home and investigate each others underwear. I agreed naturally as I am quite the underwear investigation enthusiast.

    So there I was in, shall we say, mid-investigation when something happened to me. A sharp pain in my chest. I clutched at my chest as I felt what can only be described as a knife of molten lead being driven directly into my heart.

    It was a heart attack. All the years of alcohol abuse and over eating had finally caught up with me and I was in serious trouble. I disengaged myself from the young lady and indicated to my imaginary butler to call me an ambulance.

    "You are an ambulance" he replied, thinking that he had made an hilarious joke. In all honesty, it was funny, and I did laugh. I also slapped him violently around the cheek and told him to get a move on.

    It was at that point that I blacked out.

    I awoke to find myself in a pitch black room, there was nothing there but a single spotlight in the middle of the inky blackness, so naturally, I approached it.

    "Earl, you have died" a loud voice boomed from nowhere. I must admit dear reader that I found this to be utterly terrifying and that I almost performed the favorite action of my imaginary butler and nearly soiled myself.

    The darkness moved and a figure in a long black robe appeared in front of me, he was tall and thin, impossibly thin. He moved towards me with an odd walk and stood before me. It was the moment he pullout out the large scythe that I knew I was indeed in a spot of trouble.

    So dear reader, there you have it, we are now up to speed with where we began my tale, so I shall continue.

    The man reached out his hand, it was bleached white bone. No skin and now muscles, just the start white hand of a skeleton.

    "Your skeleton is impressively white sir" I remarked, still refusing to take his hand to lead me to the afterlife.

    "Why thank you, I do bleach maintain my white colour, not many people notice" he said, sounding genuinely happy that I had noticed. I realised that this would be my opportunity to turn this situation around.

    "I imagine all the people you normally see are rather shocked and not able to make observations like that" I remarked.

    "That is true, most see me, the scythe and they either go mad, break down in floods of tears or try to run away."

    "Well that's rather rude"

    "Yes, it is a little, but it goes with the job"

    "Well, I think your hand looks lovely, it compliments the darkness of your robe wonderfully"

    "Why thank you, actually, for a human, you are rather nice. I hardly believe all the other souls that have come to me, claiming to be victims of yours" he said.

    "Well, most of those deaths were accidents, I'm not the sort of chap who shoots without reason" I said.

    "I can see that, listen Earl, I like you, I would like to let you off, but there's the small problem of your body." He said, he pulled back the hood of his robe to show the perfect white skull beneath.

    "Nice skull" I interjected, before I continued, "My body, is there a problem?"

    "Yes, after over two hundred years of alcohol and food abuse, your heart has given up, far too much strain, if I send you back into your body, you will die again and we will be back here within minutes"

    "I see, what can be done?"

    "Well, anything but a heart transplant will fail I feel" he said. I was most impressed with his medical knowledge.

    "Where would we find a heart at this stage?" I asked.

    "I have no idea, lets have a look at your body and we can have a think"

    From no where a large crystal ball appeared and I could see my naked body lying on my bedchamber floor. Around it I saw my room in quite the state of disarray. I saw another figure, the young lady, my word, she was robbing me!

    She was going through all my drawers and stuffing all of valuables into a pillow case. The opportunistic harlot!

    "Hmm, she has a heart" said Death. "A healthy one too."

    "That one will do" I replied. The first time I saw this woman, I loved her feminine curves, her eyes and her beard. Now I was looking at her for her wonderful beating heart.

    "Isn't that a little immoral?" asked Death.

    "Look at her, she's stealing all of things, she's obviously an evil person" I replied.

    "Indeed" said Death. I looked at him, as he used my favorite word, but this was a dire situation so I decided to allow it.

    Death waved his arms and the room began to spin. I awoke to find myself on my bedchamber floor, next to the body of the young lady. Her face looked ghastly, as if the life had been pulled out of her violently.

    Oh well, better her than me I say. I stood up, I could feel her heart beating hard in my chest. I felt so alive!

    I swore I would never drink again, or over eat. I grasped my imaginary butler in an embrace and told him I loved him. Which he then turned all weird by whispering "I love you too" into my ear. After a sound beating we were back to normal.

    I must admit I was invigorated by the sound thrashing I gave him.

    I ran to my fountain of youth and filled the Holy Grail and gulped down the sweet rejuvenating water. Damn life tasted good.

    I stood there, my new heart beating in my chest, I was full of life and the world was my oyster.

    But first, I think a celebratory drink was in order, and a sausage roll, then another drink, maybe a roast pig, and more alcohol.

    Indeed.
     

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  18. The Earl of Twatshire KitKat Sep 28, 2015

    The Earl of Twatshire, Sep 28, 2015 :
    The morning broke over the hills of Twatshire.

    The rays of the sun pierced the night, making the darkness run away from the searing light. I was standing on my balcony covered in the blood of hell fiends and breathing heavily.

    You see dear reader, Dracula, the lord of the vampires had struck again.

    For those who are new to my gibberish, I have a ongoing feud with Count Dracula. It started back in 1921 when, while drunk I accidentally burnt down the house he was staying in. I forget what it was called, but it was in central London and I accidentally managed to cover it in gasoline and set it on fire.

    But I digress.

    As of late the fiend had been living in my hedge maze. I had tried several times to remove him, but I am terrified of my hedge maze as I have a tendency to get lost in there.

    But last night I was standing on my lawn, with my telescope. You see in the British Isles we had something called a super moon. Its where the moon is at its closest point to the Earth.

    The moon was bright and I was standing there with my telescope observing the wonders of nature. Nature was showing itself to me in all its glory, right up until they closed the curtain in the bathroom at the local nurse's training school.

    After I had finished looking at nature in its glory, I decided to look at the astronomical wonder that was happening. I swung my telescope towards our celestial neighbour.

    "The moon, it is lovely" said a voice from behind me. A female voice, sultry and sensual.

    "Indeed" I replied as I struggled to get the moon into focus.

    "You are the Earl yes?" said the voice again, I thought I had better turn around at this point and see who had wandered onto my property. I turned to see a red headed woman, stunningly attractive and wearing an almost transparent white dress.

    I could see everything that she possessed underneath that outfit, and let me tell you dear reader, underwear was not one of her possessions. She smiled at me with a seductive grin and licked her lips.

    Naturally, as you can imagine, my passions were aroused. Her body swayed in a sensual manner while her eyes burned into me with desire. I wiggled my eyebrows at her seductively and stroked my beard.

    Then she smiled and everything changed. As the corners of her mouth turned upwards I saw them, fangs. Bloody vampires! My passion died instantly as I realised that this wonderful creature was one of Dracula's own.

    "Now that just ruined everything" I sighed and motioned at my imaginary butler for my shotgun. I did not feel my shotgun slap against the palm of my hand as indicated. I glanced t my imaginry butler to see that he was transfixed onto another woman that was infront of him.

    Obviously he was under her infernal spell, hypnotised by the hellish woman. I had to act, and fast.

    The original woman hissed at me and launched herself at me.

    Now let me tell you dear reader, ordinarily if a woman as attractive as this leapt at me, I would have ensured her a warm and inviting landing. However, as she was a bride of Dracula, I had to act in a rather unfriendly manner.

    I ducked her first attack, rolling across the floor towards my imaginary butler. I pushed him away from the woman attacking him and simutaneously caught my shotgun as it fell to the ground. I caught the shotgun and rolled around onto the ground swinging the barrel of my shotgun towards the first fiend.

    I frowned at the loss of such a divine creature as I fired the shotgun at her. It made a terrible mess as the buckshot struck her. I turned to face the other woman, but she was gone. I frantically searched around looking for my imaginary butler.

    Then I saw him, his face blank as this hellish woman curled herself around him. Her teeth out and her mouth hovering over his neck.

    "I'll bite him, I'll turn him into one of our army of the dead!" she shrieked. She hissed at me and showed me her fangs again as a threat. His face was blank, utterly under her trance.

    "Never!" I shrieked. In all honesty I have no idea what I meant when I said that, but I felt I had to say something. I was about to blast her back to her ancestors when something happened.

    "Hey guys, hey, what's all the fighting for?" said an american voice from behind us. We both looked over at the source of the sound.

    Edward Cullen! On my very lawn.

    I reacted almost instantly, I swung my shotgun around to him and fired almost instantly. I missed as the effeminate hipster vampire dodged my buckshot. I cursed.

    "Vampires do not sparkle!" bellowed the woman who was holding my imaginary butler. She dropped my faithful servant and in a rage fueled by pure hatred she launched herself at him. I took this opportunity to reload my shotgun.

    "Hey guys, hey" he said as the woman attacked him. Her razor sharp talons flashed in the moonlight as she attacked him. She attempted to tear him to shreds as she attacked. The fop protested as she sank her talons into his flesh.

    "Hey guys, why are we fighting" he kept saying, over and over again. The hellish woman continued her attack on him, tearing at his flesh and face. I watched on, planning to shoot the winner of this altercation.

    "I want to be a vampire" said a female voice behind me. I span around to see Bella Swan emerge from the bushes. Her face was blank and without any form of emotion. I looked at her face as she saw the object of her desires in a fight with a much more attractive woman.

    He face did not change at all, no surprise or emotion as she said, in a flat monotone voice, "no, don't fight, this is awful I am so upset." No a shred of emotion or feelings was evident on her face. I remember thinking it was lucky that this woman had not embarked on a career as an actress.

    However a irrational fear overcame me, I saw her for what she was.

    "Zombie!" I shrieked as I discharged my shotgun at her. She didn't show any emotion at all as she slumped to the floor. No pain, no regret nothing, which was terrifying as she had lost most of her chest cavity.

    "Hey guys, hey, that was my girlfriend" said Cullen as he was being shredded by the real vampire. He seemed to get rather angry, but he was no match for the real vampire, she was shredding him like a piece of pulled pork.

    I used the opportunity to reload my shotgun as I watched the woman tear strips of flesh from the pale man. I thought that perhaps if he had spent more time learning his vampiric craft rather than hanging around schools, he may have stood a better chance.

    The evil woman was victorious as she ripped the pale faced cretin to pieces. She roared as she finished the job. She raised her hands to the sky in victory and bellowed a triumphant cry.

    I felt almost rude as I discharged my shotgun at her. She slumped to the floor and I sat there panting heavily. My imaginary butler walked over and helped me up to my feet and we watched as the bodies disintegrated into black ash. The only body remaining was that of the zombie Bella Swan. We decided to feed her corpse to the badgers.

    It was slightly disconcerting to look at her emotionless face as the badgers tucked into her flesh viciously. We both shuddered and returned to my country estate.

    I stood on the balcony with my butler and watched the sunrise, glad to be alive and glad that we were able to remove some vampires, a pretend vampire and a zombie from existence.

    I felt relaxed as I sipped my martini as the sun rose.

    "Ulla!" screamed a voice from the distance.

    "Stop that!" I bellowed in reply.

    It seems an Earl's work is never done.

    Indeed.
     

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  19. fenice KitKat Sep 28, 2015

    fenice, Sep 28, 2015 :
    I guess these five stupid posts are so you can start spamming the forums?
     

    The Earl of Twatshire and pa5t1s like this.
  20. pa5t1s Marshmallow Sep 28, 2015

    pa5t1s, Sep 28, 2015 :
    Dear @The Earl of Twatshire, your funny and yet sarcastic posts have definitely to be printed and spread to the world of common people, to finally eradicated sadness and boredom from this world. England was, and still is, the proud homeland of Sir W. Shakespeare, but I think it's time to recognize and acclaim accordingly a new British artist and poet. If I may suggest a title for your work, I'd propose "Hole of my own" which is an exquisite translation of a famous French 'contrepéterie' (I'm afraid that there is no translation for this kind of play-on-word - letters or syllables inversion in one or more words to cause laughter- ) for "Tout de mon cru" (tip: move the 'r' right after the 'T')
    Yours faithfully,
    Indeed.
     

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