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theshinybeast's imaginary and delusional#Sixfactor Review May 25, 2018

theshinybeast , May 25, 2018 :

The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this competition entry are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and more importantly, devices, is intended or should be inferred. No person, me, associated with this entry received payment or anything of value, or entered into any agreement, in connection with any puns, bursts of sarcasm or humour in general displayed. Neither animals nor humans were harmed in the making of this entry, sadly several brain cells were not so fortunate.

1. SPEED



Fortunately for Mario and my good self, my theoretic OP6 is exactly this, out of control fast. On opening any App, or indeed any number of Apps simultaneously, mere nanoseconds pass from the very thought of opening or switching enters my, obviously troubled, brain and the screen lights up in a blazer of software glory. The same can be said for the fingerprint sensor which illuminates both screen and my face before my finger even reaches that circular key to my data. Scrolling through websites or just checking the time is now such a spectacle that, on occasion, it brings a tear of joy to my eye, leaving me breathless and on the brink of swooning in awe. The camera, a pause here as I get emotional just thinking about it............, is the fastest camera I've ever come across. I mean, barely have I lined up the subject than the photo is taken. Sometimes I literally doubt the lenses have cleared my pocket and BAM! perfect, instantaneous, delightful shot. It's as if I hadn’t even interacted with the device at all......

To sum up, as the shark, apex predator of the sea, has molded the behavior and speed of all fish species, the Oneplus 6, apex predator of the mobile world, is now molding the speed of all devices available to us now.



2. STRENGTH


Wise words from a great man. The same indomitable will can be found in my hypothetical device. Although built from that most delicate of materials, glass, the phone just radiates strength as if willing itself to be strong, robust, in a word, unyielding. I am astounded just how tenaciously durable my mind has made this beast. In my slightly age addled mind I've had many accidental drops. Catastrophic is how I would describe them, but after each crash on rocks, concrete and slabs of granite the 6 survived stoically, unscathed and in the same condition it came out of the box. Even by mentally conjuring up situations of both hard surface and liquids, water, oil, acids and alkalis, this animal held up like the hardest of heroes in the most gruelling catastrophe movie you can imagine. Orcs, aliens, hyperactive children with an uncontrollable urge to destroy? BRING IT ON!!!!!

3. POWER


Iggy and the guys knew all about it years ago, raw power can’t be beat. I just couldn’t agree more with them when it comes to this quixotic, loony Oneplus 6 of mine. Picture your dream gaming PC and you won’t even be close. Even though I have to be the saddest gamer you ever did see, until now, somehow, I simply trash and destroy all comers on this phone. Name any game, even the most demanding, and because of the 6’s immense, savage power I breeze through them laying waste to even the most seasoned gamer.

As for OxygenOS, well not only is it a breath of fresh air but on this non-existent device of mine it simply takes my breath away. It handles absolutely everything I can throw at it with an effortless grace that reminds me of the very same power and grace of the perfect 10s obtained by the wonderful Romanian gymnast Nadia Comăneci in the 1976 Montreal Olympics. OOSs performance equals the gymnastic gem in raw power while maintaining an equal amount of composure and finesse. A joy.

Of course, none of this would be possible without the SD845, 6Gbs of RAM powering this terrifyingly strapping device. Again, in a word, colossal!

4. BEAUTY


When I woke up this morning and turned my head towards the bedside table I was cut down by the dashing, truly beautiful, lean form of my hypothetically handsome Oneplus 6. It was almost as if it lay there winking an eye with a wry smile greeting me from my slumber. The combination of shiny glass and the exquisitely refined edges was like a sunrise never before seen.

I decide to lie there and admire the subtle curve all around the edge of the device as the morning sun catches every finely crafted nook and cranny. The camera bump, hummock of hate for some, sensuous swelling for others leaves me aghast in an almost pleasurable way.

This inanimate object of desire holds me enthralled until the alarm goes off and rips me brutally from this bewitchingly delusional vision.


5. COMFORT


Disturbing. That is a very apt word when speaking of this illusion that is my Oneplus 6. It just fits my hand, with all those curves and that sleek, glass wrapped goodness, in such a way that one would almost imagine that it isn’t even there.

The software is something similar. So light is Oneplus’s skin that again my fingers are practically, or literally depending on your mental state, not even needed most of the time. So comfortable it’s practically none existent.


6. DELIGHT


This delightful and delectable oldy from Roxy Music says it all. My phantasmal phone has taken control of me entirely. A slave to obsession, I am now a mere shadow of my former self. My fanciful and ficticious OP6 has completely taken over my days to such a point that I now walk around with an inane grin on my face knowing that it's there......with meeee, alwaysssss.
This Gollum-esque behaviour has not gone unnoticed by friends and family but I'm convinced they themselves are equally obsessed by Bob, yes, I've given it a name.
Sadly, I actually struggle to find words to describe just how captivated, overpowered and bedeviled I really am by this chunk of sleekness and precision that is now, in the words of the mighty Barry White, "My first, my last and my everything."
So to sum up and end this gushing forth of admiration, not to mention me breaking down in sheer euphoria and rapture, I shall leave you all, breathless and dribbling, with this.
Gestures, so silky smooth, screen, bright and almost as shiny, almost, as my good self and a camera that leaves the aforementioned relatives and acquaintances drooling with envy, they're NOT getting it, all make this a slab of joy, device of my dreams, literally, a strange delight.


@Ruby G. it is done.